Russians Have An Entirely Different Philosophy.
In The U.S. we pride ourselves on our ability to recognize differing points of view. Our objective is to make peace at any costs.
First we call the appropriate terrorist support organization to insure political correctness throughout the ordeal (making sure to call it an ordeal, not a conflict). Then, it is of the utmost importance to have a process in place that recognizes both perspectives so that all parties feel heard. ‘Inclusive’ must remain the over-riding philosophy throughout.
Once negotiations begin we start gathering money, weapons, imprisoned terrorists or whatever our new friends request to make sure we are ready to meet their demands in a moments notice. The U.S. Secretary of State explained that this is the only way to guarantee that violence does not escalate and no one gets their feelings hurt.
After roughly 13 hours of negotiation we begin to suspect that our process is not working even though we have now given them all the money, all the weapons and their buddies from prison.
Obviously it is our fault they have been hurt so badly or they wouldn’t be treating us his way. We must retreat so they can heal. Retreat we do, but it is dangerous now because they are shooting at us from the windows with the new weapons we gave them. Fortunately not many of us were killed in the retreat.
How do we stop the violence without offending anyone? We call in the big guns, the U.S. Airforce! The boys in blue arrive shortly. We close our eyes and plug our ears as they scream overhead, but the explosion never comes? When we open our eyes everything looks quite the same, but wait, there are a couple of dozen little parachutes drifting down to the combat zone. Bombs? Teargas? Weapons of Mass Destruction? We wonder? We wait . . . nothing happens. What did the Pentagon order?
The last parachute drifts behind our barricade. We cautiously approach the meticulously wrapped package. It is from: The Welcome Wagon, 400 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Inside the brown paper wrapping . . . a ‘Welcome To America’ greeting on a box! Inside the box is a beautifully arranged assortment of customized gifts for someone named Muhammad; it includes a drivers license, two free parking passes, a passport, a voter ID card (just in case they need it someday), a free night at the Holiday Inn, a black EBT card, a map showing exactly how to get to their new government subsidized home, two McDonald’s coupon books, a shiny new Obamaphone and a certificate for one free Uber!
I’m so excited I’m thinking of changing my name to Muhammad! As the first Uber shows up my only remaining question is:
“Why Are They Still Shooting At Us?”
The Russians on the other hand, have an entirely different philosophy!
VIDEO: How do Russian Spetsnaz deal with terrorists barricaded in a house?